Friendless

I have always thought that it is only my skeptic and envious mind that refuse to believe that I have few(no?) friends. I was mildly surprised when I looked around me, and saw no one. There are few things which we do not accept readily about ourselves: like the fact that we are ugly, or stupid or poor. Likewise, we never want to admit that we are friendless. But, as humans, we must go through the cycle of grief when we realize such harsh truths of life. First, Denial came and told me coldly that I am not friendless, I have so many people who calls me as their friend, and I them. I spend my weekends with them, go shopping with them, and have fun times with them. How can I be called friendless?

As soon, Anger followed with his wrath-some voice asking why don’t I have friends? What do I lack that people finds me so terminally foreign and alien? Why do I have these people who pretend to be friends? Why don’t they act the way friends do?

Then I pleaded, can I not have just one friend who stands by me through and through? A true friend?

At this Depression gently answered, coaxing me to fall deeply into darkness, what is your purpose of life if you have no reason to live, and no friends to die with? Gently she told me, everything does not need to be this way, only a little slash at the wrist, or a rope trick will solve all my problems away.

But Reason came, and in her harsh tone, she said why do I need friends, I should learn to accept that there will be none for me. She further counsels that when fortunes have forsaken me, all friends will forget me. When needs are direst, friends will be the farthest. But to become stronger one must learn how to not need anyone. I must be enough for myself.

Yes, I must be enough for myself. 

Bubbles of Thought

I had this sudden Compulsion, of changing my blog name from "Life is Beautiful" to "Bubbles of Thought". Conscience wrestled with Compulsion, long and hard, and in the end, Conscience bested and threw Compulsion down the dirty slough. Victorious, I emerged, and the blog is safe. For now.

Each time I come to this site, I always come with the intention of writing something, but at rare times, it is the other way round: when I visit this blog, sometimes I feel an impulse of writing. But I have always held to the idea that just because someone have told you to write, because you write good, that is no reason to write. One whould write when one feels like writing; the true beauty of words will come out only when it comes from the inside, when phrases unfurls from the mind, like a butterfly from a pupae, and to take on the world on its wings, to fly towards the sky... and beyond!

(I always liked a bit of drama in my writings, I wonder if my readers do too)

Ice-cream Mondaes

Monday, 25th April 2011

Today was like eating an ice-cream: messy, poisonously sweet, and got over way too quickly.

After a long and extended weekend which was filled with a happening Fridays, a lively Saturday and a lazy Sunday, Monday morning felt like a brain numbing hangover. Being late for office didn’t help much either for the overall feeling.

I never did like ice-cream, it always make me feel like I have done something dirty making me feel guilty afterwards. And that is what I am feeling right now, that I did something unwholesomely dirty, and now am feeling guilty of what I should not have done. But you do have this small voice at the back of your head who enjoyed the ice-cream, that it was all worth it, and if I were to re-live the day again, I would have eaten the ice-cream in an exact way as I have done, and will be feeling guilty as I am feeling right now?

I think ice-creams are much abused and mis-understood entity and people often equate it with a one night stand: people always want it, but once they had it, they inadvertently feel guilty about it; both of them are messy, irresistibly sweet and gets over way too quickly, but in the end, was totally worth it, but feel immensely guilty for enjoying it. Afterwards.

Dear Reader, you might be wondering if I had ice-cream or a one night stand on a Monday, the answer is I did not have ice-cream, neither a  one night stand, but my day was definitely a messy, sweet and got over way too quickly Mondae and right now I feel like I had ice-cream after a one night stand and am double guilty about it. 

Why Thus I suffer?

Why thus I hesitate? Why am I afraid of change? Do I not know that if I do not take risk, I may not get much in return or maybe nothing at all? There will always be problems, things that will hang me be back. I must take the courage to let go, be brave and jump. It reminded me of the Nokia CEO’s burning platform article, and likewise  my platform is burning, I must have a trust-in-god jump into the cold water below, or get burned in the burning platform.

“The boy stood on the burning deck,

whence all but he had fled”,

This starting lines from one of my favourite poems, Casabianca. Shall I perish as that poor noble soul on that fateful night?

“Let the sun burn my body and drown my soul and thrust me into the deepest corner of darkness.”

What I should do is make circumstances to make myself grow, and to do that I must make my environment uncomfortable for me, otherwise I will never change, but would become too lenient to go forward. Though, all change is not growth, and all movement is not forward, but without change, there would be stagnation and decay, and without movement there would be lethargy and corruption.

For change and movement to happen, one must not wait simply for it to happen, but rather create an environment where change is fostered, nurtured and sustained.

But I ponder,

Why must we still seek those who have abandoned us? Is there any point in shouting for help to those who have left us in a sinking boat and have long gone to the safety of the shore? If we are not able to save ourselves, then we are not worthy to be saved by others. I would rather I die rather than be saved and incur much ‘toh’, which I can pay only with my life. Then what is the used of the saved life?

Life is not a tragedy play, there are no dues-ex-machina coming out to bring a happy and divine ending.

What deed will I do then, this impetuous, indomitable heart, poisoned by injustice? Oh my grief! The misery of it all! Why can I not die?

A sense of humour or an insensitive humour

I usually notice, when someone falls, slips or met some kind of misfortune, his own friends (and others) laugh at hapless person ( though they may be helping him to recover at the same time). Does not that tell that humans are generally sadistic in nature?

As Plato said: That we humans enjoy observing others' misery (Thanks Nitish).

But I am sure there is some other reason in such kind of humour, other than human sadism.

Humour is invoked when a seemingly natural course of action was going on, a sudden unexpected occurrence intercedes, and if the outcome is not fatal, then we feel relieved, and hence humour arises, because as we build our worries over the seemingly dangerous incident, but the outcome did not necessitate the worries, we have to release that tension of worries into something, in another form, so it gets transformed into concern and humour forms. Whether concern is higher or humour gets the better part, that would depend on many other factors like the mood, nature of incident, time of occurrence, etc.

So, don't feel guilty when you laugh at your friend's misfortune. After all, you are only human.

Never give someone the power to hurt you

Have I not always said humans are inherently masochistic? Why else then would we willfully give someone else the power to hurt us absolutely, and destroy us completely? The very fact that humans can and do love is enough proof that the thought and chances of getting hurt appeals to them so much that they fall in love, multiple times, sometimes all at once.

And then, they ask, foolishly, 'Why thus I suffer?'.

You asked for it, you idiot.

Temptations

I still do not know what I want; probably because I am too afraid to want, the past a tragic testimony of a series of unfulfilled...

Is it possible to have no wants? And if there is, should I aim for it?

Multiple times, and too many have I been burned by the fire of wants. And yet here I am. Such foolish thing we humans are. It would be good to expose ourselves to all such things that temps us; and to reject them as they come, so as to let them have no power over us, but rather to have our command over them.

Or Should I stay away from all that temps me? To be safely cocooned away? To not know what is good and pleasant, and let them not touch one's life so they could not do their harm on us.