Never give someone the power to hurt you

Have I not always said humans are inherently masochistic? Why else then would we willfully give someone else the power to hurt us absolutely, and destroy us completely? The very fact that humans can and do love is enough proof that the thought and chances of getting hurt appeals to them so much that they fall in love, multiple times, sometimes all at once.

And then, they ask, foolishly, 'Why thus I suffer?'.

You asked for it, you idiot.

Temptations

I still do not know what I want; probably because I am too afraid to want, the past a tragic testimony of a series of unfulfilled...

Is it possible to have no wants? And if there is, should I aim for it?

Multiple times, and too many have I been burned by the fire of wants. And yet here I am. Such foolish thing we humans are. It would be good to expose ourselves to all such things that temps us; and to reject them as they come, so as to let them have no power over us, but rather to have our command over them.

Or Should I stay away from all that temps me? To be safely cocooned away? To not know what is good and pleasant, and let them not touch one's life so they could not do their harm on us.

Books I am reading

In the past one month I bought more than 10 books and 8 comic books. I have read all of the 8 comic books but only three of the regular books so far.

The first one I completed was "The Vampire Armand". Before reading this book, I have been following the Vampire chronicles of Anne Rice so that I could have the 'history' before culminating to the story of my all time favourite Vampire. The book is delicious, and by far the most sensual of all Anne Rice books. Armand still remains my favourite Vampire, with his Boticelli type angelic face and his thirst for the Lord; no sparkling vampires can replace him.

The second book was "The Warded Man" and I found it as a refreshing fantasy series in the making, after such a long drought of good fantasy novels. Well, it is not one of the epic, but we must make do with what we have. I am trying to get the second installment but it seems the paperback edition is not out yet.

The third book is "Lucifer: Autobiography of a Prince... and stuffs". I have read the Lucifer and Autobiography part, but still remains to read about the "stuffs" which turns out to be the story of his Son Uriah. And this is a work of fiction, not canon or biblical or anything. He uses some very wild languages which can make one's ears shrivel up.

The fourth book I should read, I am undecided. I have three options: Virginia Woolf's , Dante's Divine comedy series, or 48 Laws of Power. Choices choices choices.

I sing of leaves

This is about ... I have no idea. But that has never stopped me from writing or posting a blog. Skipping the part where I would normally venerate about how long it has been since I posted my last entry, I shall go directly to the bee in my bonnet.

...

-Swat-
Pity the bee got killed. By a phone call. Now I don't remember what I was thinking about.
Anyways, I have taken up reading the Tarot. Perhaps I can write something about that. People are usually afraid of Tarots for some strange reasons, as if the Cards can actually cause harm, as if the Death card will bring death. Let me tell you straight away, they don't harm you; only that they tell you when harm comes your way. And the Death card does not cause death.

So, I did a reading for myself. Some cartomancers are of the belief that one cannot read one's own fortune. But I see through the eyes of the goddess; I hold no such beliefs.

Some notable Cards that came up was The Queen of Pentacles as the Source of my intellect, signifying clearly the burden of possessing the seeing eye as well as the sightless eye, and the loneliness that comes along with the two.

The last card was The Sun, inverted. It promises great things, yet I will accept only what is needed and will give away all that are in excess.

I had a long conversation with the cards, I am getting familiar with them, and they with me. I am sure we will get along really well.

Probably, I should open an occult consultancy firm. Will you be one of the first customer?

Enter Freely, and be unafraid...

My 1st time on MTV!

Well, today I had what can be called my 15 seconds of (un)fame, but when Cyrus Broacha asked me what is my ego, I blabbered, and said the first incoherent thing that came to my mind: "My ego is that I believe in myself, for my ego is me". What kind of an answer is that!

Cyrus: So, do you believe you are God?"

Me: Er.. No

Cyrus: Is God a part of you?

Me: Er.. no. I am a part of God"

Cyrus: Am I a part of you?

Me: -smiles- No

Cyrus: Thank god for that (whatever does he meant by that?)

I patted him in sympathy. He got bored with me and moved on to the next guy.

Yeah, that was my fifteen second.

There were so many things I should have said, "The goddess is my ego" or some sort of thing.

The thing I am trying to bring is, at the most unexpected times, the most unexpected questions come our way, and it is much too difficult to give an answer.

This short exchange happened when Cyrus Visited our Campus, but we were busy shooting the LIPDUB for IIMB, ( I will paste the link tomorrow, when it is uploaded on youtube ), but unfortunately, Leila, the one who made this all possible, fell down and hurt herself while filming, so she had to be rushed to the hospital.

There were all sorts of confusion after that: Who will take the shoot now? and What will happen to the LIPDUB now? Not heeding much to those, we all went where there were the most crowd. Cyrus was doing his show. So, like any other who have nothing better to do, I stood where everyone was standing. Then those questions came.

I was contemplating, what should have been the right approach to answer a question, instantly, on your feet. I suppose practice will help, but one generally do not practice such a thing unless it is presented to him by circumstances.

But then, I think it has nothing to do with thinking on the feet, the trick is not to answer the most acceptable one, but one that you believe in. It can be boring, strange, weird. But it is a part of one, a product of the self. And that is much more valuable then what is artificially produced by practicing some method to generate artificial answers.

The Torture Chamber

At the outset, I must declare that this is not a work of fiction but is reality, from viewpoint of a sterile mind.

How many days it has been since I was captured, I do not know. The torture sessions increased both in intensity and regularity. My body was bloody from numerous abuses it had withstood and the mind battered from the continuous interrogation sessions.

As I got ready for the next round of one such torture sessions, otherwise cleverly disguised as pre-placement talks, in this dungeon pit which is otherwise called a management institute, I saw that today it is going to be different. Today, my torturer was the notorious 2J. I turned in to my sightless eye, and in place of it, there was the all consuming flame. I fed all my emotions, feelings, hurt, pain, into the flame, and let it consume everything until in the end, there was only the flame. This is how I have been holding on to, even after such excruciating torments from the hands of my torturers.

It was my sentry duty that day, for inmates are given responsibility - but I was being detained in the torture chamber , C-11. An hour remains till the other inmates noticed that I have slacked from my duties. At this place, duty is heavier then mountain, death lighter than feather (WOT reference). Would they end this torture in time to serve my duties? Can I survive after this even to care about my duties?

A small pain crept up the mind... The flame flickered. The flame needs fuel to sustain it, and as such I faltered a moment and let the fuels supply waver. I threw in everything into the flame. There was nothing but the flame. The flame and I was one.

For how many hours it continued thus, I do not know, but it was long. Even as I was one with the flame, 2J used the dreaded Credo upon me. In answer my body convulsed in reaction, my mind reacted sharply and the flame flickered. It was a mistake, the Credo nearly overpowered me but the flame was not yet out. I ignored the pain and threw it into the flame - but to my ruin, it didn't burn - the pain was nonflammable. It flickered once more before it finally died, unable to sustain without any fuel. With it the oneness was lost; reigniting would be futile as there no longer remained any fuel to sustain it. All the previous inflictions of the torture tided over me, my screams were muted by the intensity of the Credo. I could not hold on anymore - my strength was fading. Alas! all my efforts will be for naught, if I fail now. Suddenly there was a bright flash of light but the next moment, darkness took over me.

As I opened my eyes, I was surprised to find myself alive. It seems I was out only for a few moments but within those few moments many things must have happened. The torture had stopped and the torturers gone. My rescuer was nowhere to be seen. With tired legs, I dragged myself to the sentry position, thinking what must have happened when I was blacked out.

[This was written during one the pre-placement talks as it continued to drag on and on]

Attention...Span

I never seem to write anything here, these days. Have I got nothing to vent about? Or have I become too complacent with my faults that I no longer care about them anymore? Maybe it has something to do with my decreasing attention span. There was a time when I can do a thing for a long time, without my attention wavering towards another. But that was then, now I can hardly have my mind at one thing for more than a few seconds. Perhaps this has something to do with how I have been living my life, always on the edge, not knowing what is going to happen the next second, always ready to jump to the vantage point at any instance ... etc. Etc. is such a nice word, one can use it whenever one runs out of ideas. But I digress. Oh, yes, attention span.

A mail notification! I must shift my mind on that and come back here after that...wait, there is a instant message too, asking for help in one of the online games I play. This won't take long, will come back to continue this writing.

Ah, that was quick; the mail was quite uninformative and tediously long, and I helped in one of the deathrune seige of one of my gaming friend in that facebook game. And now I am finally able to return to my writi...ng. Is that someone knocking on my door or is it the neighbour's? Who might it be, so late in the night?

It was my neighbour knocking on my door. Someone dropped him a book and asked him to gave it to me. Is that my phone vibrating. Ah... give me a moment...
It is only a message. Nothing important.

Now is it my fault that I could not write this piece of blog in one go? That I could not give my whole attention to write a piece of my mind because my attention span is as much as that of a goldfish?

What book it is that is on the table? I have this terrible urge to read it. I must fight back the instinct to jump on it...
...
It is hard to tear my eyes away from that temptation of the devil and now here again... must writing this.

Will these never cease? Another temptation runs through my head, should I write this later and watch that new episode of "Accidentally on purpose"? Ah, choices, choices and choices. At this moment I want to pray, "Oh Lord, lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil." But I won't.

Is it just me, or is my headache getting more serious. Perhaps my eyes are getting tired with staring at this screen for the past... uncountable number of hours. Maybe I should write this later on, maybe tomorrow morning.

Oh, but wait, I have not checked orkut today! So I must rush there to check the messages and stuffs.
That was fun, I replied to a few messages, and I am back here again. But wait, an invitation to read a new blog, how nice... give me two minutes...

...
That was much more than two minutes. Perhaps I should not have written the comment, but how could I have resisted when it was so blatantly wrong! And it was not a good thing that all while I was getting distracted by million other things as well!

Ah, before I could be interrupted again, I shall end my internal monologue here. Now... should I read that book or should I watch that episode. Choices, choices, choices.