Ice-cream Mondaes

Monday, 25th April 2011

Today was like eating an ice-cream: messy, poisonously sweet, and got over way too quickly.

After a long and extended weekend which was filled with a happening Fridays, a lively Saturday and a lazy Sunday, Monday morning felt like a brain numbing hangover. Being late for office didn’t help much either for the overall feeling.

I never did like ice-cream, it always make me feel like I have done something dirty making me feel guilty afterwards. And that is what I am feeling right now, that I did something unwholesomely dirty, and now am feeling guilty of what I should not have done. But you do have this small voice at the back of your head who enjoyed the ice-cream, that it was all worth it, and if I were to re-live the day again, I would have eaten the ice-cream in an exact way as I have done, and will be feeling guilty as I am feeling right now?

I think ice-creams are much abused and mis-understood entity and people often equate it with a one night stand: people always want it, but once they had it, they inadvertently feel guilty about it; both of them are messy, irresistibly sweet and gets over way too quickly, but in the end, was totally worth it, but feel immensely guilty for enjoying it. Afterwards.

Dear Reader, you might be wondering if I had ice-cream or a one night stand on a Monday, the answer is I did not have ice-cream, neither a  one night stand, but my day was definitely a messy, sweet and got over way too quickly Mondae and right now I feel like I had ice-cream after a one night stand and am double guilty about it. 

Why Thus I suffer?

Why thus I hesitate? Why am I afraid of change? Do I not know that if I do not take risk, I may not get much in return or maybe nothing at all? There will always be problems, things that will hang me be back. I must take the courage to let go, be brave and jump. It reminded me of the Nokia CEO’s burning platform article, and likewise  my platform is burning, I must have a trust-in-god jump into the cold water below, or get burned in the burning platform.

“The boy stood on the burning deck,

whence all but he had fled”,

This starting lines from one of my favourite poems, Casabianca. Shall I perish as that poor noble soul on that fateful night?

“Let the sun burn my body and drown my soul and thrust me into the deepest corner of darkness.”

What I should do is make circumstances to make myself grow, and to do that I must make my environment uncomfortable for me, otherwise I will never change, but would become too lenient to go forward. Though, all change is not growth, and all movement is not forward, but without change, there would be stagnation and decay, and without movement there would be lethargy and corruption.

For change and movement to happen, one must not wait simply for it to happen, but rather create an environment where change is fostered, nurtured and sustained.

But I ponder,

Why must we still seek those who have abandoned us? Is there any point in shouting for help to those who have left us in a sinking boat and have long gone to the safety of the shore? If we are not able to save ourselves, then we are not worthy to be saved by others. I would rather I die rather than be saved and incur much ‘toh’, which I can pay only with my life. Then what is the used of the saved life?

Life is not a tragedy play, there are no dues-ex-machina coming out to bring a happy and divine ending.

What deed will I do then, this impetuous, indomitable heart, poisoned by injustice? Oh my grief! The misery of it all! Why can I not die?