Three Things

Of three things I am absolutely sure of

1. Work is secondary, having a life is more important. I will not let my job define me.
2. Money can't buy happiness for me, I need to look elsewhere. Maybe money can get me some of those things that makes me happy, but so far, it has been disappointing.
3. Love conquers all. I won't stop loving even if it kills me.

Loveless

Each day I spend without you is a day without meaning.

Do you remember those days we were not together? those days we were never close? It still continues.

The sun will shine tomorrow, for the rest of the world, but for me, the black moon rises each day to eclipse you.

When yesterdays have rejected me with crashing loneliness, tomorrow's sunless dawn fails to give comfort.

But tonight, my tears will fall freely to water the grass of tomorrow.

((This is not a poem))

Friendless

I have always thought that it is only my skeptic and envious mind that refuse to believe that I have few(no?) friends. I was mildly surprised when I looked around me, and saw no one. There are few things which we do not accept readily about ourselves: like the fact that we are ugly, or stupid or poor. Likewise, we never want to admit that we are friendless. But, as humans, we must go through the cycle of grief when we realize such harsh truths of life. First, Denial came and told me coldly that I am not friendless, I have so many people who calls me as their friend, and I them. I spend my weekends with them, go shopping with them, and have fun times with them. How can I be called friendless?

As soon, Anger followed with his wrath-some voice asking why don’t I have friends? What do I lack that people finds me so terminally foreign and alien? Why do I have these people who pretend to be friends? Why don’t they act the way friends do?

Then I pleaded, can I not have just one friend who stands by me through and through? A true friend?

At this Depression gently answered, coaxing me to fall deeply into darkness, what is your purpose of life if you have no reason to live, and no friends to die with? Gently she told me, everything does not need to be this way, only a little slash at the wrist, or a rope trick will solve all my problems away.

But Reason came, and in her harsh tone, she said why do I need friends, I should learn to accept that there will be none for me. She further counsels that when fortunes have forsaken me, all friends will forget me. When needs are direst, friends will be the farthest. But to become stronger one must learn how to not need anyone. I must be enough for myself.

Yes, I must be enough for myself. 

Bubbles of Thought

I had this sudden Compulsion, of changing my blog name from "Life is Beautiful" to "Bubbles of Thought". Conscience wrestled with Compulsion, long and hard, and in the end, Conscience bested and threw Compulsion down the dirty slough. Victorious, I emerged, and the blog is safe. For now.

Each time I come to this site, I always come with the intention of writing something, but at rare times, it is the other way round: when I visit this blog, sometimes I feel an impulse of writing. But I have always held to the idea that just because someone have told you to write, because you write good, that is no reason to write. One whould write when one feels like writing; the true beauty of words will come out only when it comes from the inside, when phrases unfurls from the mind, like a butterfly from a pupae, and to take on the world on its wings, to fly towards the sky... and beyond!

(I always liked a bit of drama in my writings, I wonder if my readers do too)

Ice-cream Mondaes

Monday, 25th April 2011

Today was like eating an ice-cream: messy, poisonously sweet, and got over way too quickly.

After a long and extended weekend which was filled with a happening Fridays, a lively Saturday and a lazy Sunday, Monday morning felt like a brain numbing hangover. Being late for office didn’t help much either for the overall feeling.

I never did like ice-cream, it always make me feel like I have done something dirty making me feel guilty afterwards. And that is what I am feeling right now, that I did something unwholesomely dirty, and now am feeling guilty of what I should not have done. But you do have this small voice at the back of your head who enjoyed the ice-cream, that it was all worth it, and if I were to re-live the day again, I would have eaten the ice-cream in an exact way as I have done, and will be feeling guilty as I am feeling right now?

I think ice-creams are much abused and mis-understood entity and people often equate it with a one night stand: people always want it, but once they had it, they inadvertently feel guilty about it; both of them are messy, irresistibly sweet and gets over way too quickly, but in the end, was totally worth it, but feel immensely guilty for enjoying it. Afterwards.

Dear Reader, you might be wondering if I had ice-cream or a one night stand on a Monday, the answer is I did not have ice-cream, neither a  one night stand, but my day was definitely a messy, sweet and got over way too quickly Mondae and right now I feel like I had ice-cream after a one night stand and am double guilty about it. 

Why Thus I suffer?

Why thus I hesitate? Why am I afraid of change? Do I not know that if I do not take risk, I may not get much in return or maybe nothing at all? There will always be problems, things that will hang me be back. I must take the courage to let go, be brave and jump. It reminded me of the Nokia CEO’s burning platform article, and likewise  my platform is burning, I must have a trust-in-god jump into the cold water below, or get burned in the burning platform.

“The boy stood on the burning deck,

whence all but he had fled”,

This starting lines from one of my favourite poems, Casabianca. Shall I perish as that poor noble soul on that fateful night?

“Let the sun burn my body and drown my soul and thrust me into the deepest corner of darkness.”

What I should do is make circumstances to make myself grow, and to do that I must make my environment uncomfortable for me, otherwise I will never change, but would become too lenient to go forward. Though, all change is not growth, and all movement is not forward, but without change, there would be stagnation and decay, and without movement there would be lethargy and corruption.

For change and movement to happen, one must not wait simply for it to happen, but rather create an environment where change is fostered, nurtured and sustained.

But I ponder,

Why must we still seek those who have abandoned us? Is there any point in shouting for help to those who have left us in a sinking boat and have long gone to the safety of the shore? If we are not able to save ourselves, then we are not worthy to be saved by others. I would rather I die rather than be saved and incur much ‘toh’, which I can pay only with my life. Then what is the used of the saved life?

Life is not a tragedy play, there are no dues-ex-machina coming out to bring a happy and divine ending.

What deed will I do then, this impetuous, indomitable heart, poisoned by injustice? Oh my grief! The misery of it all! Why can I not die?