I am the Wind!

Then I was Cloud. Floating, wandering, thundering.

But that was then.

Now, I am the Wind. Ever blowing, moving, storming.

Never staying, always moving.

Then why do I feel lonely sometimes. I don't mind being alone. I like being alone, doing things on my own, never asking someone, doing things as I would like, being unrestricted by someone. I am happy being alone. But then, sometimes I feel lonely. After being in the vast expanse, after blowing over every corner of the sky, sometimes it feels like it is too big for me alone. And that is when these lapse into loneliness comes to me.

But they must go away quickly, for there are clouds to carry, leaves to rustle and land to cover.

Because I am the Wind, I must be alone in my freedom.

L'horreur

Do not ask to which dark god did I prayed to, but I prayed. I prayed hard to give me strength, strength enough to survive. Those days, I remember, the horror, the doubts, the dread of those ghastly experiences; there were times when I wish I could die, rather then continue to face the trauma , the agony, the anguish I felt then. Each living day was was a struggle to continue, each night was a series of horrendous nightmares, each hour was an effort to live, each breath was the dawn of new nightmares.

It was at those times that I prayed, after losing all hope, given up all faith, that I turned to the dark to reach out for even a small escape from the world that I was.

During that reign of terror, hell could not be any worse: we prayed to give us deliverance to hell. It was the time, when my faith was severely tested and all hopes crumbled. It was the time when I underwent through the trial of iron and fire, and came out with a battered spirit and a burnt soul. And then I fell. Into darkness.

I still carry the scars, and each time I try to look back, the pain would spring anew, would break my spirit and dissolved me into a screaming mass of hysterics.

It seems, sometimes, time, the great healer, can even fail in her craft.

Matrix style delayed motion

Have you ever felt the matrix style delayed motion? As if things are going so slowly one can see things which one normally don't have the time to see; as if everything is so quiet, and you began to notice every minute detail of the situation: from the flapping of the wings of a fly to the collective breathing sound of the ants.

Dear reader, may you never feel as what I once felt during those last few days of my five year integrated post graduate course. The matrix style delayed motion has been playing with me, and now have come to realise the full impact of the separation. Late as it may be by a year or so, I realised that no matter where I went, I was always with the insurance that no matter what, I always have IIITM to go back to. Without realising it, it had become a safe haven for me. But during the last week of those five years, I wanted to go, leave the place and not take a second glance back, not because I hate the place, but because I will miss the security of the place that was my home for almost a quarter of the life I have lived, and to take a glance back would have broken my spirit and dissolved me in tears. Those years, it felt like a lifetime, and ended too soon.

During my first year at IIM Bangalore, in how many ways did I wanted to run back to the room that was mine for five long years! 'The Haven' #274, Sindhu hall of residence, IIITM Gwalior. I remember... -passes into nostalgia-

Today is my last day of internship, and as I write this from the office, I feel that the feeling has returned again: I... I feel like I have some place to go back too, a safe haven, a sanctuary, back at IIM Bangalore, where the grasses are green and trees are tall. In a matrix styled slow motion, it dawned to me that a haven will always be there, no matter where I go, all I have to do is:
believe

Indolently blissful: Just being myselves

Here I am, exulting with indolent energy bubbling inside me. I have never been this free since... I have forgotten when; A whole week to do whatever I want to do! What better way to indulge then talk about myselves!

I have done a few things this week! Some things which I should have done long ago, where as others I should have never done. But do I regret? Not a bit.

My thoughts are disarranged at the moment, and leaps from one thing to another in matters of seconds. Like I have written and deleted many things which was suppose to be here but aren't any longer now.

But there is one thing that I wanted to talk about: this modern contrivance called the mobile phone. It is driving me crazy. Maybe it is just my poor man's cell phone, but everytime it rings ( actually it never does, it just vibrates, otherwise I would have thrown it out of the window long time ago ), it disturbs my the little tranquility which I have managed to attain after much arduous endeavour. Naturally, it sets me in a foul mood before I pick up the call, and could not be my natural sweet self. Fortunately, one of my alter ego, takes over me as soon as I hit the 'pick' button, saving the person on the other end from his ear being bitten off by yours truly. It is nice to have alter egos.

I have a handful of them. Lei is a Piscean; always moody and philosophical, you can't get a straight word from him that does not reek of philosophy. Cloud is a Libran, always indecisive but passionate, Ice is, I think, a scorpio, though he never told me that. Wind is a Gemini, and he always make my head spin with his childish antics. I am, of course, a Leo. There are a few other but they are not here at the present, hence we will talk about them at appropriate times. We can all exist at the same time if we choose to; and unlike Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde none of us are evil, well, mostly we are quite harmless, except for some headache inducing antics and a sharp tongue that can sometimes cut you deeper than Ice blades. A certain cold someone is sitting beside me rolling his eyes.

Right now, Lei is reading a book: Golem's Eye. I keep telling him it is boring, but would he listen?He likes fantasy book, that he does. Cloud is in one of his moods, thinking about someone. Lovestruck, I called him. I don't think he even knows I am writing about him. Ice, uh, I think his left eyebrow is permanently stucked up there. He does not like me writing about him. Scorpios. -shakes head- Wind is ... I don't want to know what he is up to. Sometimes he gives me a headache, always doing something childish. He has this comics propped on his lap... It is one of the Calvin and Hobbes one. He is the one who likes all these kid stuffs. I keep telling him to get over it, but he rarely ever listens to anyone. -sigh-

And then there is me, yours truly, busy writing this stuff. Indolently blissful, while his alter egos are engrossed with their own task ( Ice, don't you have something else to do other than giving me that stare?).

We are quite a handful, and never a dull moment passes while we are all together. ( Wind, stop whistling, it is annoying ). God. Sometimes you should listen to us talk. I am the most sensible one of course ( You don't need to roll your eyes, Ice, and you can stop your giggling, Wind, and a clout is coming your way Cloud, if you don't stop mooning over... er... whoever you are mooning for ). God, they are so annoying. But yes, as I was saying, I am the most sensible one, though Ice do come up with some good reasons for us not to do some things. Blame Cloud if we ever develop heart disease; he lets our heart in jeopardy most of the time. Wind is responsible for most of our headaches. Lei just keeps repeating some Wheel weaving and willing thingy, and I haven't the foggies idea what it is about.

Uh, oh, look at the time, it is past time to put Wind to bed. Cloud needs to have his hair cut tomorrow, and Ice needs to buy some fruits he wanted to try out. Lei is complaining to keep quiet, but himself is laughing softly all to himself. He finds the book he is reading funny. -rolls eyes- It is about some wise cracking djinni; it is beyond me why that would be so amusing. Uh, oh, Ice says he is not feeling well. I will get back to you later. Let's see if he is just trying to attract attention or is it really a cause of worry for all of us.

Until then. Farewell.

For the greater good?

To kill one so that another could survive. 

That is what I have exactly done. I may as well have killed this blog, so my life could survive. 

Wait with me for some more, and I promise, I shall revive you.